Live Life

Passionately Ever After

Living with a “rager” is a challenge.  Unexpected and undeserved, targets of a rager walk in a mine field daily.  While it is okay to express anger in a respectful and healthy way, out of control rage is unacceptable.  Listed below are some ideas and boundaries you may find helpful if you find yourself in a mine field at home, with friends or at work.  Remember, you can never control what someone else does, but you can control how you respond!

• Hold up your hand and softly ask the person to stop and just talk with you.

• If you are on the telephone, softly tell the rager you will hang up if he/she continues to yell at you.  If they continue, simply hang up.

• If they call back, and continue to rage, softly remind them you will hang up if they yell.  Hang up at the first rageful word.

• If you are in an argument that gets out of control, insist on a time out.  If they continue, tell them you are going for a walk and will be back in “n” minutes.  Then leave.

• Attempt to keep the conflict about “the issue”, not the person.  Remind the rager that you are not the enemy and that you will talk with them after the calm down.

• Avoid the seemingly automatic reaction of raising your voice.

• Be aware of your breathing.  Slow down your breathing and take deeper breaths when talking.

• If the rager is abusing alcohol or drugs, know that a rational dialogue is nearly impossible.  Tell them that you will talk about the issue tomorrow, or when they are sober.

• Encourage the abuser to seek counseling, perhaps couples counseling would be a good first move.

• If physical force or violence is used, call 911 and/or leave…immediately.

We train people how to treat us.  There are excellent books on setting boundaries in your relationships.   Read and implement their ideas.  You may want to seek counseling for yourself and learn how to set and hold boundaries.   No one deserves to be abused.  Focus on what you can control and live your life passionately ever after. 

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